I am not a cool kid.

There comes a time in ones life where you find yourself sitting around asking questions. My question? Why am I not a cool kid? I have all the right traits; I am interested in all the right things. I have the right attitude, the right career, the right music taste. I go to all the same events as the cool kids. I am artistic like the cool kids. I even know the cool kids and we are friends. But not friend friends, just like oh hey ye I know that girl from somewhere friends. Is it because im not confident enough? Maybe they think that I am faking? When in actual fact, all the deep things they aspire to I live each and every day. Am I not laid back enough? Am I supposed to give less of a shit? Where do you define the line, in actual fact where the fuck do you find the line of caring enough but not giving a shit? Like I support PETA and am a vegetarian, but hey man you can get hammered and shit over your parents every weekend, all cool right? It just doesn’t make sense. They all hang out together with their killer fashion sense and their quirky accessories. They’ve been friends for years and have the ultimate bonds, and somewhere along the lines they’ve all hooked up with each other. How do you become one of these cool kids? What’s the trait? I feel like I have lived the same way- I was born and raised in the same town, studied in an artistic field, alongside them even, I had purple hair before any of them even thought it was a cool idea, I’ve read the books their reading and had 5 pairs of different glasses before the age of 15. How did I miss the in? Why am I not part of the group. The eternal loner.IMG_7351.JPG

Advertisements

Hats! I need hats!!

So there is this job available, at this company, in an area, and I WOULD BE PERFECT FOR IT. I think I would slay this job harder than I have ever slayed. And oh, have I slayed. Yessir.

I immediately sent my CV for the job. That was 8 days ago. Since I feel like I am the perfect fit it dumb founds me that I haven’t gotten an urgent call begging me to start right away. Weird. But! Then it dawned on me. My CV is a black and white list of my credentials. Yes those are things I have done and achieved, but that isn’t me?! How are they ever going to know how flamboyantly kick ass I am from looking at that black and white list? They’re not. So I have come up with the idea of creating a video especially to apply for this job.

The job vacancy is for a producer in a creative agency. Being a producer entails overseeing a project from conception to completion and may also be involved in the marketing and distribution processes. Producers arrange funding for each project and are responsible for keeping the production within the allocated budget. Producers are essentially team leaders. God I was born for this role! I love reading, researching and assessing ideas and finished scripts. I am super proficient at using computer software packages for screenwriting, budgeting and scheduling. I am the first to think of ensuring compliance with relevant regulations, codes of practice and health and safety laws. And troubleshooting is like second nature to me.

So as you can see the individual needed for this job has to be very well-rounded and quick on their feet! Thus the idea for my video resume!

The scene will be set with myself in front of the camera. Mid shot with a white background. Using video cuts I will be seen talking wearing several different hats! Get it? Get it?

 

FADE IN

INT. WHITE BACKGROUND – DAY

 

A lovely young white female wearing several different head attire stands before the camera.

KYLI

Hi, My name is Kyli and I want to be your producer!

I am 27 years old, *gasps*, and I was born and

raised in Johannesburg. I have always had

a flare and love for creative media including

writing and visual arts. At TUT I studied film and

tv broadcasting and graduated summa cum laude in 2013.

I had always dreamed of seeing more of the world

so I took my passion for motion picture and went sailing.

As a video producer creating travel documentaries based

out of cruise ships meant I was a one woman show,

from concept through to delivery and sales, I did it all and then some.

My objectives are to create fresh and innovative content within

a team of creatives through media.

My love for media grew due to its dynamic nature.

Being a producer means being a dynamic individual with many skills.

In 1985 Edward De bono designed the Six thinking Hats system

which is a tool used for group discussion and individual thinking involving

six different coloured hats. I think this system can closely

relate to the roles of a producer!

The white hat represents data and information – production paperwork!

The red hat is associated with feelings, intuition and emotion – working

as a team leader and having gut instinct!

The yellow hat is for a positive view of things – finding production

solutions and keeping up moral!

The black hat relates to caution and critical judgment – production safety

and regulations!

The green hat is for creative thinking and generating new ideas – working

alongside directors and assisting conceptualization!

The blue hat is about process and control – ensure production

runs smoothly and on budget!

I would like to employ this way of thinking in the work I do in your team.

These are just a few of the many skills I posses

and have to offer you.

Not to mention my incredible dance skills!

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE BACKGROUND – AWESOME MONTAGE OF DANCING SKILLS.

FADE OUT.

I am really hoping that this video application sets me apart from the other applicants. At the very least I hope they take notice 🙂

Give a little less.

Dating. Being single. Liking someone. Rejection. New interest. The chase. The lead. The fall. The ache.

Why is it so difficult to simply have someone to share a pizza with you on a Wednesday evening? There are all these nonnegotiables and check lists and necessities. Like fuck, can I live? It’s so rare to simply have someone take the time to vibe with you. Find out what I am about, feel my energy and see if we can hum together. Then look at your nonnegotiable list and tell me how important those things are when you have someone you hum with investing their time and interest in your life. They may not be religious, but they’ll go to church with you and support you because you are their interest, and hell they invested. When you’re sitting in your back garden watching your beautiful kids running through the sprinkler under the hot sun and your wife brings you an ice-cold beer, will it really matter if she was 2 years older than you or that she sent the first message? Or will it matter that she stood by you through all your choices and as you became a man and helped you up when you stumbled and held your hand in public knowing you loved that she wasnt ashamed? That she only had eyes for you and only wanted to be your woman while you were her man. That she never pushed you or pressured you, only gave guidance and support. That she needed you and was grateful for each and every moment you shared. That she wanted to be the girl next door for you, but was always open and honest about her past.

If you have your head so far in the future why not be realistic. We are all living life and I am pretty certain we all know it doesn’t work out picture perfect each time. But the times it was messy and a little outside the lines were the best times of our lives and molded us into the individuals we stand tall being. Really ask yourself how much these nonnegotiables are going to matter far ahead in the future. If you feel the hum, let it vibrate through your life and trust that you will only look back and smile, because you know taking that chance changed your life. And set you in good stead for your future.

Can we just keep each other company?

Turmeric and Honey

Earlier this year I developed quite a severe pain in quite an uncomfortable area. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I immediately went to the medical centre where my worst fear was realised. I needed surgery. Immediately. And I was in Mexico.

This news was devastating! I had only just joined my new beautiful ship and had barely been onboard a month with my ever so handsome and caring Russian boyfriend, D. “Your health needs to come first” is what I kept being told. So despite my protests, that very same night I packed up my cabin and had to break the news to D that I would be disembarked in the morning and sent to the hospital. Needless to say this was not easy for us, just having gone 3 months apart from each other.

Early the next morning I went through immigration screening and was disembarked from the ship. The Port agent was a friendly Mexican named Gilberto who drove me to the hospital. He was the last person I saw who was fluent in english.

I was examined and taken to the operating room-which wasn’t the most sterile looking, and only closed with a curtain. But I didn’t have any options.A nurse came in and started speaking to me in Mexican, I tried to explain I only speak english. She pulled my arm and showed me a needle. She needed to insert an IV for the anesthesia. I have terrible veins which are difficult to locate and continually collapse, so I showed her my hand, which is where IV’s are normally able to take. She didn’t seem to understand this and proceeded to try find a vein in my arm. After 3 different nurses and six tries later the IV was finally inserted into my hand, my arm left black and blue.

Later that day I woke up in a hospital bed in sheer agony. The room was hella bright and cold. I looked over and saw another woman in a bed with her leg propped up with several silver pins sticking out her calf. The hospital experience was worse than the surgery and pain. No one could tell me much information about how my surgery went, my veins kept collapsing and my ward mate never turned off her light. In addition to her bright light she loved singing at 1am and pooping into a bedpan and leaving it bedside for hours. I was in hell.

On my third day in the ward I received a call from my father. It was 3 am at home. Something wasn’t right, I knew it before I even answered. “Ky my darling I have some bad news. Your brother has been in a car accident and has broken his neck.” My whole heart stopped. My lungs deflated and fear set in. He had several surgeries over the next coming days, and by some short miracle he was saved with no nerve damage.

Being far away from your family when you are ill and all alone is hard, but having a loved one in the hospital and close to death at the same time is uncomprehendable. Needless to say I couldnt wait to get out of Mexico.

My entire hospital stay was 7 days and then I was in a hotel for another 3 days before I flew to Florida to rejoin my ship and D. Joy Joy Joy! I was so happy to be going back and to have this experience behind me. Little did I know then that this was hardly the end and only the beginning to my life falling apart.

Three weeks back onboard. It was a sea day, I had terrible flu and I had 4 weddings to shoot. By the end of the last wedding I could barely walk and the pain coming from my surgical site was crippling. Back to the medical centre. My condition had returned and I would be disembarked again three days later in Florida. Packed up my cabin and said goodbye to D again.

Arrived at the hospital and taken into the ER, examined and told a dose of antibiotics should clear everything up. However it was discovered that my flu was in fact not flu but Metapneumovirus (a respiratory virus closely related to avian flu). Marvalous! So I was isolated and left alone, beside nurses coming in maybe once a day dressed in hazmat suit resemblance. After a few days I was released and sent to a hotel. This time though I was not returning to the ship. And as devastated as I was at the time, it was the best thing.

Arriving home was surreal, like I had just left-which i had. A couple weeks passed and though my virus had cleared up my surgical wound had still not healed and was still causing me pain and discomfort. I decided to go see a specialist. My condition had in fact worsened and I needed another surgery, with another one in the later future. The distress I felt, I cannot explain.

Whilst dealing with pain and sadness, D and I broke up and I was having battles with my insurance and the hospital. Surgery had to be postponed 3 times due to legal issues, as my insurer is an overseas insurer.

Today I am one week post op. The surgery went well, my surgeon was very nice and seemingly competent. I was in and out of the hospital within a day and lying in my bed at home waited on by my loving mother. The road ahead of me is very long. Huge lifestyle changes need to be made in order to ensure recovery and I am looking at my fridge full of fruit and veg and just wishing I could stuff my face with pizza, steak and chocolate. Instead I have a turmeric, honey, ghee and milk concoction to enjoy everyday. I am so depressed.

This condition has literally taken away my whole life. My boyfriend left me, I currently cannot work and have another surgery in a few months to look forward to. How did this happen? I wasn’t in bad health. But now my health is the only thought I have each day. I want my life back and in order to do that I have to get healthy.

Throughout all of this I do have something to be grateful for. The people in my life have been incredible. The handful of friends I have check in with me daily and keep things light hearted with their jokes and snap chats 🙂 My momma has been very helpful and my granna has been very concerned. I am also eternally thankful to see my brother up and walking and back to work already. This entire experience has taught me that people and health in your life, that’s what matters. Its what makes everything else happen and work. It gives happiness and opportunities. I promise myself to take better care of my health, for no one else but myself. With seemingly no drive within me, fingers crossed I can pull it together.

 

Healthy

 

Who are you?

brain_illo_1200x1200

Think about yourself. Think about what you look like. Think about the sound of your voice. Think about the way you walk. Think about inside. Think about your knowledge. Think about your preferences. Your hopes, your likes and dislikes. Think about each aspect that makes you who you are, good and bad. And throw them away. This is not who you are. Who you are is an idea. An idea of who and what people think you are. An idea, a thought or suggestion, an opinion or belief. The way others perceive you is who you are.

Think about a friend, a loved one, who are they? In the same way you think about yourself you can think about them. You can take the way they look, think and move, their likes and dislikes and build an idea of who you think they are. This is how you perceive them, and in your world, this is who they are. And this is the same way you become who you are in the eyes of others.

Sure you can share your inner most thoughts and hopes with a loved one to identify yourself. Yet still the words you use to portray this identity will be perceived by the other. And their perception will always be an extension of their identity and how they identify you in their world. Comparably the way you perceive yourself is also an extension and influence of those in your world, whether it be a loved one, a scholar or luminary. Whoever and whatever has entered your world and influenced you in any way, whether aware of it or not, has helped you build the idea of who you are.

Why does it matter who we are? Because it is all we know. On a daily basis we are stuck within our own minds. Our bodies, actions and words portray that inner mind. Even if we say to ourselves and others that it doesn’t matter who we are, this is a disbelief because even by proclaiming this, that is who we are. We are the person who doesn’t think it matters who we are. And of course, I can hear them coming, there will be people swinging religion up high saying that their god, his god, her god and your god think it matters who you are. Religion and gods have always been something to answer to. When you’ve reached the point of not being able to answer a profound question or reality, what do you turn to? Gods. Gods and society. Because it’s easy, its easy to lay responsibility on yet another idea, suggestion or belief. But I would like to put religion and gods to the side. For now. Let us simply think about ourselves.

Take the thing that you think is most important about yourself in defining who you are. Was your first thought about something someone had once said about you? Perhaps something you had identified in someone else and decided to incorporate into yourself? Is it an ideal that was set for you from birth, an ideal that has driven every moment and choice in the leading of the character you have become? Are you kind despite your selfishness? Are you a good listener despite your inability to hear? Are you family orientated despite your individuality? Are you driven despite your circumstance? What is important about you? Why does who you are matter?

Lets think about what has influenced you and driven you to be who you are. Could it be society? The idea of who your parents would like you to be? Who religion has told you you should be? From birth all these constructs have been in place, and you have in fact had little choice in who you are. Of course you are thinking to yourself that you have chosen who you are by your thoughts, actions and decisions. But what you must realize is that every thought, action and decision is influenced. From the first book you read, the first film you watched, the first time your parents said they were proud of you. The undenying human need to please and be accepted has driven all of who you are. Why is there this undenying need? The meaning of life. The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. The meaning of life for many can be achieving certain goals, standards, possessions, really anything. But at the essence of the meaning of life, people are striving towards ultimate happiness. This is where the undenying need of pleasing and acceptance comes in. in order to be happy and be loved, one feels the need for acceptance. Social acceptance, financial acceptance, educational acceptance. And how do we achieve this acceptance? By building our identity to be an acceptable perception by others. Even perhaps an acceptable perception of our own. We all hold ourselves to a certain standard of being, some higher than others. And if we don’t achieve this perception, its failure. But why do we want our work to stand out, our humanity to be recognized, for our looks to be noticed? Acceptance, happiness, love.

Basic needs, everyone has them. What are they, and what do they have to do with who we are? lets refer to Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslows first model, humans have 5 basic needs. These being biological and physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, esteem needs, and self actualization needs. It was later expanded on to include cognitive needs, aesthetic needs and transcendence needs. A very interesting evaluation of human behavior was observed developing this model. At the top of this hierarchy is self actualization needs. What is self actualization? Maslow stated that human motivation is based on people seeking fulfillment and change through personal growth. Self actualized people are those who were fulfilled and doing all they were capable of. In self actualization a person comes to find a meaning to life that is important to them.

So taking the hierarchy into account, basic needs as well as where we lie in the hierachy may help us determine who we are. We cant reach self actualization, which is happiness,  without already achieving love and esteem. according to Maslow.

Why does it matter who you are? It doesn’t. It doesnt matter what “type” of personality you have, it doesnt matter what you look like, it doesnt matter what you do or say. People, and you, are totally dispensable. If you aren’t here, someone else can fill your space. Why? Because who we are is built by what is around us, and what is around us is built by people who have ideas about who we should be, who in turn have an idea about who they are. You are not individual, you are not special. There is someone else who has the same perceived idea of who they are as who you are.

Needs can make us who we are, traits, actions and words can make us who we are. Every thought, movement and decision makes us who we are. But always and only the idea of who we are, whether it be our idea, someone elses idea or societies idea. Only an idea.

With this all said, it’s human nature to continue. We thrive off the chemical reactions within us, the feelings we have. We continue in order to find that feeling of peace and fulfillment. At the end of the day i feel there really is no point in us, the human race, in everything. It’s just a bunch of days strung together in a construct that we are all trying to fit into for no reason at all. Who are you? Who cares.

First blog post

IMG_4901Discovering who you want to be begins at a young age when you think that you have endless choices. What did I want to do before I made countless opposing decisions? I wanted to be a writer, a journalist. Here you can read all about why that didn’t happen and how I feel about it. As well as insights to my limited knowledge and endless opinions on all things nothing. Welcome.